Let me start by saying I have just finished a second course of antibiotics to try and kick a chest infection. I still have the cough and now thanks to the antibiotics I have a really bad case of wind.
Nobody was safe from the wind
As we walked to the office of the prefecture I was not only worried about my application for Italian citizenship, but also my precarious medical condition. I am not sure if my interpreter knew I kept randomly exploding, if she did, she never said anything.
The Office of Sig.ra helpful
The meeting went really well, Sig.na Helpful ( the women in the office) decided I could write a self certificate declaring that when I was a baby in Malta I wasn’t a Cereal Killer or criminal.
The milk had better be warm today
Sig.na Helpful asked if she could see my original documents, I whispered to Mrs Interpreter that my original documents are languishing in some office in the U.K. and hopefully they will receive the apostille stamp and be back here in ten days.
Sig.na Helpful asked me to sign another self certificate declaring that the photocopies of my original documents were original photocopies !!! I know I am still trying to work that one out. maybe I lost something in the translation.
I was then asked for the marca da bollo, this is a little stamp that cost me €16. It’s at home I said!
Marca da bollo
Don’t worry Sig.na Helpful said you can bring it in next week, or nip out and buy another one. I couldn’t believe my luck, I had been sitting there with my stomach making curious noises and I knew there was an imminent explosion due.
I’ll be right back I said as I ran out of her office, I managed to exit the building before the wind struck.
I drove my interpreter back to her house and then headed off to Cerrina to give an English Lesson.
Because I had an hour to spare I stopped off in a bar for a coffee and a brioche. The bar looked clean and I thought it might be ok to use their toilet.
The hole in the floor
I have lived here ten years and today was the first time I have had to balance above a Turkish Toilet I think if you have a dress it must be easier, all the women need to do is bunch their dress up under their armpits.
If you are wearing trousers there are a multitude of problems, 1. With your trousers around your ankles it is really difficult to open your feet far enough to squat safely above the hole, 2. Attempting to maintain balance with one hand trying to hold your trousers out of danger while squatting is a nightmare.
Just as I managed to get my balance and my thigh muscles stopped shaking, I heard a click and the fricking light went out, I was immediately plunged into darkness.
Stupid Light Sensor
Some energy conscious Italian had installed an automatic light switch!!!
Because this is a family rated blog, I can’t tell you the thoughts that ran through my mind or the words that spilled out of my mouth as I nearly tumbled down the hole.
What I will say is, trying to turn the light back on by waving with one hand in the air, whilst trying to keep your trousers safe and maintain balance, is as easy as riding a unicycle while playing the bagpipes
A talented man
Englishman in Italy 