Mrs Sensible has left me :(

Posted on May 31, 2014 by Pecora Nera • Posted in Uncategorized • Tagged an englishman in italy, expat, fun expats, gilda, humour, Italian wedding, Italians, Mrs Sensible, Pecora Nera, Scooby Doo, sicily • 67 Comments

The first thing you are going to ask is “has she taken Scooby Doo the cat with her?” Well the answer is no, she has left the scabby white cat here with me and no doubt we will both starve. Did I drive her mad and force her to leave me? Has she finally said “basta!” (enough is enough!) . All I can tell you is she has flown to Sicily to marry somebody. Before I tell you what has happened, go and pour yourself a glass of wine and then bring your chair closer to the computer screen while I explain what has happened.

Mrs Sensible leaving into the Sunset

Mrs Sensible flew to Sicily on Friday afternoon; no sooner had Mrs Sensible left these golden shores when Scooby Doo and I quickly made an inventory of the bacon in the fridge and the number of cans of cat food in the cupboard. I think I will starve first because I only have 3 packs of bacon left and Scooby Doo has 6 cans of cat food, plus he is not willing to share his food with me.

The cat was well prepared

While I was looking in the kitchen for the emergency stash of chocolates and crisps, I found the following note pinned on the kitchen cupboard.

To Do,

Paint the new house.

Keep this house tidy.

Make your bed.

Water the plants.

Feed Scooby Doo

Do Not,

Have a party.

Mess with the washing machine.

Order more wine.

Eat all the crisps.

Annoy Scooby Doo.

I have already started dropping hints with friends that I am Home Alone and may starve to death over the weekend and to-date,

Pecora Nera & Scooby Doo

I have had no dinner or lunch invitations. Friday night I ended up eating a kebab in a Turkish takeaway in a little village called Fubina. Mustapha who served me said “it good you here, I practice English with you, I want live near Manchester United; Italy hot but no good. England land of Milk and Honey” This might not be exactly what he said, I was only half listening to him while I was eating my kebab whilst wondering if the scabby white cat had worked out how to use the can opener.

If only Scooby Doo had opposing thumbs

Tonight I flipped a coin, ‘heads’ I cook bacon sandwiches or ‘tales’ I go to dinner with a lithe sweet young thing and enjoy a romantic evening for two. It was tales and I had a nice pint of beer, a chilli con carne and a fabulous pack of Brown Bag Crisp whilst staring into the eyes of my guest.

My dates eyes were like puddles, bicycle peddles.

So why has Mrs Sensible left me and flown to Sicily, top up your glass with some more wine and I will tell you. Mrs Sensible has gone to marry someone. Not as in to marry someone, (one black sheep is quite enough for Mrs Sensible) but as in marry two people together. It would appear there has been a new law in Italy, anyone who is deemed Sensible enough by the local council can officiate and marry people and so Mrs Sensible has flown to Sicily to officiate and marry two of our friends together.

She gets to wear one of those Italian banners over her shoulder

She got to wear one of these green white and red things

and ask the new couple the important questions such as:-

Do you take this man to be you lawful wedding husband, and promise to keep the fridge stocked with beer and his slippers and his pipe next to the fire?

And

Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife and always remember to open her car door for her and forgive her when she is short tempered and a growly monster for 1 week in every 4.

So it is Saturday night, I am home alone with only a bottle of wine and my wordpress friends to keep me company. Mrs Sensible will be back on Monday morning, which gives me plenty of time to straighten up the house and hide all the evidence of chocolate wrappers and empty wine bottles.

How is Scooby Doo the scabby white cat I hear you asking, well last time I looked he had given up with the can opener and eaten Gilder’s the short legged but incredible fat dog’s dinner.

Confess: We have ways of making you talk

Posted on December 21, 2013 by Pecora Nera • Posted in home • Tagged an englishman in italy, awards, Italy Magazine, Italy magazine nominations, Mrs Sensible, Scooby Doo • 109 Comments

Who did it? Was it YOU?

I have been a Pecora Nera (Pecora Nera is a black sheep, for you non-Italian speakers Ha!) for as long as I can remember. I dreaded the days when my mum would angrily shout my brothers’ and sister’s name one after the other, until she finally got her act together and settle on my name. I have found myself in some sort of trouble for most of my 52 21 years.

A classic example was the Ritz Crackers episode.

These crackers got me into a lot of trouble.

There was an unspoken rule in our house. No one was allowed to open a pack of biscuits or Ritz crackers unless my mum had either: a) said we could open them or b) she had already opened them. If the pack was already open, then to a certain extent we could ~~grab a handful and hide in the bedroom eating them~~ eat one or two of them, providing we left more than crumbs in the box. No one ever dared to finish a box of crackers, the consequences were quite severe. My mum would say “Peter, go and make me a cup of tea and fetch the Ritz Crackers”. She knew they had been scoffed, I knew I had scoffed them, we both knew I was in trouble.

One evening, when I went foraging for food, I found to my dismay, that the box of crackers was unopened. But as I moved it to see what delights were hidden behind it (maybe an opened packet of chocolate digestives), I noticed that this particular box of Ritz Crackers didn’t feel very heavy. It should have weighed 225 grams but it felt as though it was missing two or three crackers.

I investigated further and to my horror, shock and amazement, the box had very cleverly been opened from the bottom. A quarter of the pack had been eaten and the box carefully resealed. I knew for sure my brothers and my sister were not ~~stupid~~ brave enough to pull a stunt like that, which left only my mum.

I vividly remember the evening, when my mum decided to eat the Ritz that she has secretly opened and there were only three and a half crackers left and three innocent children plus one suspicious looking black sheep.

Ok so this post is really about one of you out there in bloggo land who needs to confess to a deed most foul. One of you filled out a form on the Italy Magazine. com and nominated my blog of madness for Best Living in Italy Blog.

Cool

I know it was one of you lot, because I have interrogate Mrs Sensible and she denies it. Scooby Doo is not ‘yet’ allowed in the house, (Mrs Sensible keeps dropping hints, and the hints will get big when the snow comes) so he is not guilty which leaves one of you.

Out in the cold and the rain

It wasn’t me, I only found out because I am a stataholic and I followed a referrers link back to the awards. Who ever did it,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH

Merry Christmas

Christmas truce Scooby Doo and Gilda Style.

Posted on December 18, 2013 by Pecora Nera • Posted in home • Tagged an englishman in italy, cat food, dog eats cat food, englishman, expats, fun, humour, italy, Mrs Sensible, Pecora Nera, piemonte, Scooby Doo • 84 Comments

Can a Machiavellian cat and an incredibly fat, but short-legged dog call a truce over Christmas?

Two months ago Scooby Doo adopted us and moved into my garage. At the moment he is in arrears with his rent, I sat down with Scooby Doo and discussed his lack of payment; the following day he left half a mouse. Obviously I was less than happy with the payment, so I gave him a stern talking too. The following day Scooby Doo left me a small brown slightly warm lump in the middle of my garage floor. I have left further payment discussions to Mrs Sensible.

I am patiently waiting for NHS Supplies to come and collect their cat

I am not really a cat person, I like dogs, big dogs that can chase and fetch sticks. I have repeatedly suggested to Mrs Sensible that we should rescue / buy a big daft dog. Mrs Sensible always points out that we have Gilda.

Gilda is the incredible fat but short-legged dog that belongs to Luigina and lives next door.

Gilda in trouble yet again

Link to Gilda

Gilda and Scooby Doo have a love hate relationship, Scooby Doo hates Gilda and Gilda loves to chase Scooby Doo. In November I posted the pictures of the great cat chase between Gilda, Lila and Scooby Doo. Sadly earlier this month Lila passed away to doggy heaven.

The great cat chase

Last week Mrs Sensible shouted me

Mrs S: PN!! Quickly come here.

PN: Nope I am busy. (I think I was catching up on blogs from fellow bloggers either that or I was chilling on the sofa)

Mrs S: You will never believe it, quick where is your camera?

PN: Uffa! It’s here, why?

Mrs S: Quick look out of the window.

And there it was, Scooby Doo and Gilda eating cat food from the same tray. I was not surprised that Gilda was eating cat food, Gilda eats anything, she is the only dog that eats grass because she is hungry and doesn’t barf afterwards.

Gilda and Scooby Doo enjoying a romantic meal together

I was so surprised, I had to check that it was Gilda, so I called her “Yo! fat dog you are supposed to chase the cat” Gilda looked suitably ashamed.

Yo! Fat dog, you are supposed to chase the cat

Now the real question is, have they called a truce because it is Christmas? Will the truce last till boxing day?

Clearly the fat dog likes cat food

Merry Christmas from Mrs Sensible, myself, Scooby Doo who is in temporary residence and Gilda the incredible fat but short-legged dog.

Why does Mrs Sensible buy cat food, when we don’t have a cat?

Posted on November 2, 2013 by Pecora Nera • Posted in home • Tagged Cat and dog chase, italian cat food, Mrs Sensible, Scooby Doo • 83 Comments

Cat food in the cupboard.

During the summer, I managed to lock a skinny, mangy looking cat into one of our garages. It wasn’t my fault, honest; it was raining and the cat had hid in the garage. Three days later I opened the garage to find a cat meowing and winding itself in and out of my legs. I was impressed that the cat had not peed or messed in the garage and I instantly named the cat Blacky.

Mrs Sensible didn’t think the name was appropriate, so she asked Luigina, if she knew who the scrawny cat belonged to. Luigina keeps her finger on the pulse of village life and was able to tell Mrs Sensible that the cat lives across the road with the woman who has the wolf that Gilda torments.

We carried the cat across the road and as we handed it back to its owner, one of her dogs jumped up and tried to eat one of the cat’s legs. While the cat meowed and tried to escape the dog, the lady told us that the cat was called Scooby Doo!!! Now I think naming a cat after a dog is even less appropriate than naming a white cat Blacky.

Blacky AKA Scooby Doo tucking into my salami piccanti

Blacky AKA Scooby Doo tucking into my salame piccante

Since the summer, Scooby Doo has decided to use our house as the local takeaway and we have fattened him up. He arrives at our house at 6.30 in the morning and then after 7.00 pm in the evening. He sits and meows outside our window until one of us gets up and finds him some left over scraps of meat. Last week the cat arrived and started meowing, but the cupboards were bare. We couldn’t find any left-overs that the cat could eat. We couldn’t get the cat to shut up, so we threw it some of my precious salame piccante.

The decision was made: we don’t own a cat but as he prefers to come here and eat our left-overs than share a house with a dog that wants to eat him, we decided to buy some cat food. The problem now is, Scooby Doo likes the cat food so much he wants to eat three square meals a day.

The time of day that Scooby Doo arrives is important and proves this cat is not stupid. From 7.00 pm until 7.00 am both Gilda and Lilla are under house arrest; they are both securely locked up and although it drives them mad to see and hear a cat meowing outside our window, there is nothing they can do.

This lunchtime, Scooby Doo came asking to be fed, but the take away was closed, so Scobby Doo decided to sit on my car and wait for opening time. And then trouble arrived in the shape of Gilda and Lilla. They often wander over from Luigina’s house to say hello. The cat froze. I ran in search of my camera.

Gilda and Lilla arrive to say hello

From my bedroom window, I was taking photos and laughing at the two dogs. Scooby Doo was watching the two dogs and Mrs Sensible and Donna (who became famous following the Vicious snake attacks defenceless woman in Italy post) were trying to distract the two dogs from the lounge window.

Lilla smelled a rat, or more likely a cat and wandered off in search of it.

Lilla scouts the area while Gilda begs for food

The cat never moved.

Dun dun dun…Gilda spots Scooby Doo

The cat looked at the short legged but extremely fat dog with utter contempt. And then Lilla arrived…

Lila arrives and Gilda tries to reach the cat.

Lilla arrives while Gilda inspects whether there is sufficient tread on my tyres .

It was at this point that Scooby Doo decided it was time to take a leisurely walk home.

Scooby Doo tests the water.

And then Scooby Doo launched himself into the air and Lilla did a back flip and attempted to catch the flying cat.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it superman? No Its Scoooobbbbyyyyy DOOOO

And then the chase was on. “GOOOOO Scooooby”… shouted Mrs Sensible and Donna.

Run, rabbit, run erh cat

Despite the fact that Gilda has short stumpy legs and is carrying several excess pounds and was also late at setting off, she soon overtook the trim Lilla. The only sound was the crowd shouting encouragement to Scooby as he ran for home.

Gilda the short legged and incredibly fat dog overtakes the Lilla

Gilda, the short legged and incredibly fat dog, overtakes Lilla (These photos are not photo-shopped: Scooby Doo is so confident he is only using one leg)

As I precariously hung out the bedroom window, capturing the race for posterity and Mrs Sensible and Donna cheered the cat on. I did wonder if the high protein diet we are feeding Scooby Doo helped him in his escape from the terrible twosome.

Scooby Doo widens the gap and heads for the garden fence. But just look at the fat dog fly…

The excitement was almost too much to bear; even the Grand National or Formula One is never as exciting as this.

Gilda who realises the race is all but over, decides to show off by imitating a kangaroo

Scooby Doo raced around the corner of the house, while Gilda who couldn’t corner as fast (due to her short legs and excess weight) ran directly in front of Lilla. The race was starting to resemble an episode from the Keystone Cops.