Forced to eat vegetables.

Cabbage, it is green its healthy and good for you. Uh huh

Cabbage, it is green, it’s healthy and good for you. Uh huh

9.30 pm Sunday 20th October 2013

PN : I am hungry.

Mrs S. You’re hungry? It’s a bit late.

PN: uh huh.

Mrs S: There’s some cabbage in the fridge go and nuke it.

PN: It’s ok I’m not that hungry.

Mrs S: You’re like a child, you eat with your eyes and your ears.

PN: Where are you going?

Mrs S: To nuke the cabbage.

PN: NO, REALLY IT IS OK. I AM NOT HUNGRY

3 mins later……. PING

munch munch munch

PN: How come this cabbage is so nice, what did you do to it?

Mrs S. I cooked it in some of your red wine.

PN: Is there any more?

Mrs S: See? You should listen to me more often, you are like a child.

PN: Uh huh.

Mrs Sensible's Cabbage

Mrs Sensible’s Cabbage, cooked in my best Barbera with onion, carrots and love.

The face behind the blog

Mrs Sensible and I really enjoy reading your comments so a big thank you to all of you out there in blogger land.

Pecora Nera and Mrs Sensible check the latest comments

Pecora Nera and Mrs Sensible check the latest comments 

 

Mrs Sensible vs Ipercoop

Mrs Sensible was most unhappy

Mrs Sensible was most unhappy

Mrs Sensible had a little bit of a fall out with Ipercoop today. She was studying the cost of a bottle of fizzy water and found Levissima, a premium brand, was priced at €0.48 for a pack of 6 bottles and underneath was marked the price of €0.05 a litre. This was truly a bargain, it was almost as cheap as tap water, so much so I nearly ran out and fetched a couple more trolleys so that we could take 500 litres home. I was already dreaming of what a bath in fizzy water might be like.

Mrs Sensible asked a shelf stacker if they were really selling fizzy bottled water at 5 cents a litre; he looked at Mrs Sensible as though she was stupid and said “of course it was an error:  nobody would sell water at 5 cents a litre” Mrs Sensible was still talking to him, when he turned his back and walked away!!!

Now, Mrs Sensible is normally a calm and controlled person, but in circumstances like these she tends to quickly switch to teacher mode, so I was surprised that without commenting on the shelf stacker’s manners, she turned on her heel and wheeled her trolley off towards the entrance like a Formula One  1 racing driver.

The smell of burning rubber as Mrs Sensible accelerated down the grocery aisle was quite amazing

The smell of burning rubber as Mrs Sensible accelerated down the grocery aisle was quite amazing

Unaware of what was going on in her mind all I could do was to run after her trying to catch up. At the Punto Ascolto (Customer Care Desk) she explained to the supervisor, a tall and kind lady who looked a little German, that the shelf stacker had been very rude to her whilst Mrs Sensible was really only trying to do them a favour.

Mrs Sensible said she looked like a German woman. So I saw beer

A typical German woman

She explained that if they didn’t change the price tag quickly, a hundred people (because we would phone them all) would rush here and demand to buy fizzy water at €0.05 a litre given that under a European law, shops are bound to sell their merchandise at the marked price, despite any spurious pricing errors that might have occurred.

The German looking Customer Care lady tried to contact the head of the water department and said to Mrs Sensible “a shelf stacker has not the power to change price tags, but yeah, he shouldn’t have been rude, sorry….”

As the person in charge of the water department was nowhere to be found, the lady at the Punto Ascolto headed quickly towards the incriminated area, followed by Mrs Sensible and her trolley, followed by me, still a tad confused.

We followed Mrs Sensible in an orderly procession

We followed Mrs Sensible in an orderly procession

Together we examined the price tag and, yes it did say 9 Litres of water for € 0.43. The tall lady said “it is a big error and thank you for pointing it out, but only my colleague can change the tag, that is when she arrives from God knows where…” At that point a small woman who looked no more than 25 appeared panting and puffing: she had obviously just run from her office or just finished a marathon.  She started babbling something that sounded like a lot of nonsense to me.

The argument about the cost of a bottle of water once again escalated: the small woman tried to justify the mistake saying that the tags always show the price of one bottle, trying to convince Mrs Sensible that she was wrong and they were right and therefore it was no problem; Mrs Sensible, on the other hand, was pointing at the price tag arguing that it clearly showed 9 litres for € 0.43 and said € 0.05 a litre; the small woman was still trying to explain a simple maths equations to Mrs Sensible not knowing that my wife teaches maths.

Keep calm Mrs Sensible is a maths teacher....

Keep calm Mrs Sensible is a maths teacher….

As Mrs Sensible broke into teacher mode, the little woman was producing ma, però , ecco, (but, so, maybe) sounds whilst the helpful assistant kept repeating “Togli il cartello! TOGLI IL CARTELLO!” (Remove the price tag!) I was enjoying the tennis match between the three of them when suddenly I heard Mrs Sensible shout  “Cos’ha da guardare così in cagnesco?!?!” What are you glaring at me for? Now, it’s not often I hear her shout at people, so horrified and wide eyed I turned toward the direction of her words, where I saw the shelf stacker half hiding behind his boxes and glaring at Mrs Sensible.

He glared from behind the  tins of tuna

He glared from behind the tins of tuna

“Io vi sto facendo un favore!” I’m doing you a favour she shouted, before people realize they can demand to buy water at the marked price! He was bellowing back angrily when the small lady was struck by a bolt of pure inspiration and decided to remove the price tag  and the tall helpful lady yelled Grazie al cielo! Finalmente!

As we wandered off towards the meat counter I asked Mrs Sensible: “So how much was the water?”

I am a Domestic Goddess

I am a domestic goddess

Housework is easy peezi lemon squeezie

Housework is easy peezi lemon squeezie

I have had a fall out with the guy I was working with, he is an Ace person, and funnily enough the word ace translated into Italian, is asso (which believe it or not Ripley) is pronounced asshole.

So at the moment Mrs Sensible goes to work at two different schools to teach her little chilblains how to tie their shoelaces and generally educate them; so that they do not grow up to be the next Mussolini of heavens forbid another Burlusconi.

Mr Berlusconi

One Berlusconi is quite enough thank you.

I on the other hand am learning how to make the bed using nurses corners, mop the floor, cook the evening meal (I have bought several packets of indigestion tablets) and be a good housewife house-husband.

I have drawn the line at waiting at home ready in a negligee to greet my hard working wife.

I am not doing the stockings or the negligee

I am not doing the stockings or the negligee

and until the diet kicks in, I am not doing the Chippendales either.

If I upload a pic of Dita van whatever her name is I thought it only fair to upload the chippendales

If I upload a pic of Dita van whatever her name is, I thought it only fair to upload the chippendales

 

In-between sending out my C.V, dreaming up get rich quick schemes and polishing the bookcase I have produced tonight’s evening meal,

I didn't burn it

I didn’t burn it

I have put a bun in the oven 

 

A bun in the oven (a colloquial saying)

A bun in the oven, tsk!! really all I have done is put a loaf of bread in the oven

Changed the bed and tucked it in with nurses corners.

 

Oh Matron!!  she knows how to tuck in your corners

Oh Matron!! she knows how to tuck in your corners

And it is not even 1.00’ clock, so I can now sit down with a glass of wine, put my feet up and watch daytime TV.

Only day time TV in Italy is appalling.

Nebbiolo, Barone di San Pietro

I have re blogged this post, because Marco makes the finest wine in Monferrato. Marco is the wine producer who not only refilled the antique wine bottles that I found (see post here ) but he also refused payment for the wine and his time.
So a toast to Marco and his wine. 🙂

cantinalacanova's avatarLa Cà Nova

Con oggi cominciamo a raccontarvi in modo approfondito le schede degustative dei nostri vini, in modo che anche i meno esperti possano capire le caratteristiche, i profumi e i sapori dei nostri prodotti.
Iniziamo con uno dei nostri prodotti più all’avanguardia: il Nebbiolo.

BARONEColore: Rosso rubino più o meno carico, con riflessi di granato.
Profumo: Profumo caratteristico, tenue e delicato, ricorda la viola, che si attenua e perfeziona con l’invecchiamento.
Sapore: Secco, di buon corpo, giustamente tannico da giovane, vellutato, armonico.
Vitigni: 100% nebbiolo
Vinificazione: Fermentazione in acciaio a cappello sommerso per la durata di 12 giorni a contatto con le bucce.
Maturazione: La maturazione avviene in piccole botti di rovere per la durata di 18 mesi.                                                                       uvabarone
Abbinamento: Ideale con tagliolini al sugo di salsiccia o con tartufo, agnolotti con sugo di arrosto, piatti a base di carni rosse, stracotti e selvaggina in genere, nei formaggi mediamente stagionati o solo leggermente erborinati.
Epoca…

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Bloggers European Bunfight

Montgomery Fest (that is the the couple that go around holding hands a lot) and Mrs Sensible and I are considering the possibility of organising a weekend meeting in Budapest for bloggers.

So we are testing the water to see if anyone is interested in joining us for a weekend of madness fun.

We are thinking of springtime

Spring flowers

This is the only picture that I could find of spring flowers

A fun Awards Ceremony

Awards we will try to get Charlize Theron

Awards we will try to get Charlize Theron

And either a dinner

A light lunch

A light lunch

and or a dance.

A little tea party

A little tea party

So if you think you might be interested either send me a message with how many people, using this form, or contact Montgomery Fest using this form

or stamp your feet and shout very loudly

Stamp your feet and shout

Stamp your feet and shout

We have created a second site where we will upload more details, as soon as we get some feedback and numbers. Please go to http://bloggersbunfight.wordpress.com

It’s black frock time.

I am nearly at the end of my first year of blogging, It has been great fun and I have exchanged comments and e mails with some fantastic people. Last month I nearly stopped blogging, but thanks to a couple of e mails and the odd prod I am still here.

When Jennifer from My Sardinian life nominated me for the Affidable Blog Award, I was totally gobsmacked, and Mrs Sensible couldn’t believe it. So today I would like to nominate the following people for the Pecora Nera Award.

The Blacksheep Award

The Blacksheep Award

As always there are a few rules that you must follow and they are as follows:-

Give yourself a pat on the back. (you must stand on your left leg while you do this)

Don’t link back to this post. The award is just a thank you to you from Mrs Sensible and I.

Don’t nominate another 15 bloggers. It is a just my way of saying, thanks for the fun or your pictures are fantastic or even just for being a nice person.

So without further ado, here are the winners.

The crazy Irishwoman who lives in Latvia. Expat eye on Latvia

An American who writes about her childhood with Humour 1950 Suburban Adventures 

Lynne who takes wonderful pictures of England Lynne Revette Butler

Montgomery Fest who are obviously still in love and hold hands a lot Mongomery Fest

A new blog that looks like it will be good The Chef and the waitress

I wish my vegetable garden looked like Debb’s Digging wiv Debb

Another crazy woman I used to be indecisive

Pictures, really good ones  The Amateur Camera

A ginger minger Ginger Fights back

Yet another crazy woman, this one lives in France Multifarious Meanderings

A remarkable lady who turns items that have been thrown away into useful objects. Living Simply Free

Dean who blogs about life as a mother Little Steps

The Sicilian God Mother. You are probably already following this blog, if not why not Sicilian Godmother

Crazy woman in Croatia. Oh and she has a holiday home for rent Our Adventures in Croatia 

I am sure I have missed lots of great blogs out, but it is time for a glass of wine.

So thanks to all the great people who have taken the time to say hello to me, and all the people who spend time creating blogs for other people to read.

Ciao PN

A black sheep on a motorbike.

Bikers

Bikers


I received a phone call from Franco last week; well to be honest Mrs Sensible received the call, I just stood next to her saying, what does he want? Did he set up the meeting? Is he coming over? Very reminiscent of my childhood. The days when my mum would answer the phone, and then decide if I could go out to play, or stay overnight at a friend’s house.

Franco asked Mrs Sensible if I was allowed to go out to play on Saturday. Franco and four of his friends, were going to the mountains on their motor bikes and I had been invited. Mrs Sensible said I could go. I was told to wear a heavy jacket, big boots and bring some spending money.

Proper bikers boots

Proper bikers boots


I understood the bit about the spending money; but the big boots and heavy coat seemed a bit of an overkill. We had just swapped Italian winter for Italian Summer with 10 days of spring squashed in-between. The temperature was forecast for 27°c.

Saturday arrived and at 6.00 am I jumped out of bed crawled out of bed and threw into the back of my mini two heavy coats and put on a thick pair of walking socks and my big hiking boots. I then set of for Franco’s house.

His bike is a Moto Guzzi California EV 1100cc, a really great looking bike, as I arrived, Franco was cleaning little bits of dust from the gleaming paintwork. Bits of dust that was invisible to the naked eye. The day was already starting to become hot, so I asked Franco, why the big boots and heavy coat? In case you fall off!!!

Franco/s Moto Guzzi

Franco/s Moto Guzzi

So complete with my safety boots, gloves and coat, we climbed aboard his bike and set off Tto meet up with his mates in Torino. Driving Racing down the country roads, I began to notice how every time, I leaned in sync with Franco, or when he braked and then accelerated away, my stomach muscles pulled. I decided this would be excellent exercise and by the time we reached Cresole Reale in the Alps, I would have a stomach like a six pack.

A six pack

A six pack

In Torino we met up with his friends and set off at break neck speed for the mountains. It was great fun, when Franco leaned to the left I leaned with him, when he cornered right I leaned to the right. I have to add I was hanging on for dear life. After 30 mins of chasing through villages and country roads, I managed to relax a little. I was just admiring the river that was running alongside the road when Franco dropped the bike over to his left and went haring around a corner, I was still sat bolt upright and the bike gave a little wobble as Franco tried to control it. I say a little wobble, but we were racing along at 120 kph. I decided not to watch the scenery, but in future to just watch the road.

As we climbed up into the mountings, I developed an itch on my left nostril, just a little itch. But the more I tried to ignore it, the more it itched. In fact the itch started to include part of my cheek. My helmet was a full face helmet that belonged to Franco’s wife, it was a tad too small, and I couldn’t work out how to raise the visor. I was hampered by a thick pair of gloves, ignorance on how to open it and the fear of falling off Franco’s bike.

I tried sticking a finger in between the helmet and my neck, moving the helmet with the hope of catching my nose on the internal padding and as a last resort I tried to see if my tongue was long enough to reach my nose. After all, lizards can lick their own eyeball, surely I could reach my nose. Please bear in mind, I was still whacking along at 120 kph and trying to remember to lean with Franco.

As well as the itchy nose, I discovered the visor would suddenly steam up, and no I didn’t decide to lick it clean. But you will be pleased to know, that even though I had an itch, couldn’t see for toffee, and the helmet that was a bit too small and was giving me brain crush. I didn’t fall off.

Helmets that don't steam up

Helmets that don’t steam up


Climbing up the mountain we came across a sign and barrier that said road closed due to heavy snow. The Italians looked at each other, shrugged and in true Italian fashion, ignored the warning and drove around the barrier.
Finally we had arrived; it had taken two bum numbing hours. My six pack now felt like a crushed coke can, my bum hurt and my arms ached from hanging on.

No chance of a six pack

No chance of a six pack


After a couple of photos and a bit of graffiti, we decided to drive back to the nearest village for a beer.

Pecora Nera

Pecora Nera

The snow plough had cleared the road

The snow plough had cleared the road

While we were sat drinking and discussing how I had nearly ended up as a smudge along the road and the episode of the itch. They asked if I wanted to join them in October, for a little ride to Munich for the Oktoberfest.

Oktoberfest.

Oktoberfest.


If I am a good boy and Mrs Sensible says yes, I will go and buy a helmet and jacket for a bit of serious beer drinking.

The bikes and the bikers, thanks guys.

A great set of Guys

A great set of Guys


1

2

3

4

Stefano Cucca – the Sardinian man who left his home to bicycle around the world

Even a mad Englishman would not attempt the following. Re Blogged from Jennifer in Sardinia
http://laavventura.wordpress.com/

Jennifer Avventura's avatarMy Sardinian Life

On June 8th, 2013, 34-year-old Stefano Cucca left his home in Sorso, Sardinia to bicycle around the world to promote sustainable, eco-friendly lifestyles. Thus far, Stefano has ridden 30,000 kilometers and he hasn’t left Sardinia, yet.

The idea for this project came to him on one of his many voyages across the globe.

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Reblogged from Kit @ http://theinnerwildkat.wordpress.com

Happy Easter

Kitt Crescendo's avatartheinnerwildkat

I’m going to warn you in advance. This is not my usual post. This is more reflective of the holiday we are entering into, so I’m well aware that it won’t be for everyone.

I suspect, even if you aren’t a very “religious” person, that if you ever did the “going to church” thing in your life this particular season brings out the reflectiveness in you. Yes, there’s the secular world of Easter bunnies and Easter egg hunts and more candy than any dentist is comfortable seeing, but for those of us who’ve either been raised in the church or spent some time going, we know the deeper meanings in this holiday.

Last night I performed for the first time in a Maundy Thursday service. Some know this service better by Holy Thursday or Covenant Thursday. Basically, it’s the day of The Last Supper of Christ, spent with his disciples…

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I don’t normally re blog but….. I love reading about the crazy lady in Croatia. And I want to give a little plug to her holiday home in Croatia that she rents out.

Sicily, Malta, string and a little bit of sticky back plastic.

Mrs Sensibles mum and dad, live near Ragusa in Sicily. I have spent the past seven years dropping hints that it might be nice for us to live near them. It might save the 3000km road trip we take every summer and Christmas (not that I am complaining) So I was quite interested to read this article  in the Times of Malta.

It seems that Malta is going to connect its electricity to the grid in Italy via Sicily. I really think one or two people will go grey before this project is finished.

I think the boffins in Malta should have a quick read of this, and then either scrap the idea or run a longer cable to Spain.

I love Italy and especially Sicily, but trying to connect an electrical cable between Sicily and Malta (the place of my birth) and expect it to work is utter madness. They should try something easier; maybe build a bridge from Sicily to Malta or solve the European debt crises.

I did a little bit of research and I will send my findings to the boffins in Malta.

Here is the connector that Malta has proudly designed.

Malta's electrical cable

Malta Cable

And here is the connector that Sicily is working on.

Italian Connection

Sicily Cable

As you can see they are pretty close. I guess the boffins will have to go to Gatwick Airport and buy a travel adapter so that they can connect the two cables together.

I wish them luck.

Heads up Spam alert, Emails with subject “ADP Funding Notification – Debit Draft” are a security risk

Image

I like to blog about funny things that have happened and of course Italy, because if you cannot laugh at Italy you end up crying. But today’s post is a little different.

I got caught by a phishing e mail or I hope nearly caught. I don’t normally fall for spam e mails but this one was clever. 

When I received the e mail. I went and took a look at the website http://www.adp.com. The website looks OK  I then decided to click on the e mail link. DUH!! 

The reason I clicked on it was, wait for it.. I wanted to see if they would ask for my bank password etc if it did I would be 100% sure it was some sort of scam, rather than 95% sure. The link took me to a blank website with a tiny box with the words connecting. I immediately unplugged the internet cable and started my virus scan.

Later I did an internet search for ADP Client services scam / spam.

To be honest I should have done this first rather than clicking on a link that I was pretty sure was spam. The search pulled up this website http://blog.mxlab.eu/2012/06/28/emails-with-subject-adp-funding-notification-debit-draft-are-a-security-risk/ a WordPress site dedicated to E Mail security risks, Bless them.

I have run my virus scanner and nothing was found, but at the back om my mind I am still a tad worried. Uffa!!

 

Italy V Europe

Italy & Europe.

livinitalian's avatarLivin' Italian

This short video give you, my readers the opportunity to witness how Italians are seen within the European Union. It is all true and some of you who have been here, know it very well.
Enjoy!

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Driving in Italy

Driving on Italian roads is just like participating in a grand Nintendo game but with only one life.  The object of the game “Guida” is to try to overtake the car in front, regardless of his speed or the road conditions, while preventing the car behind from gaining points by overtaking you. Points are deducted for the use of indicators or if you are caught driving within the speed limit; however points are gained if you manically flash your headlights while tailgating the car in front. Bonus points are awarded while tailgating if you know it is impossible for the car in front to pull over to let you past. Guida is played throughout Italy although at different levels depending on how far North or South of Florence you are. I mention Florence because the Fiorentini are prohibited from playing Guida mainly because there are an awful lot of autovelox and the local police fine drivers for speeding, which is not really very sporting or Italian.

Toll Booths on an Italian Autostrada

Italian toll booths, two lanes open up to 10 lanes for the toll booths and back to 2 lanes to join the autostrada. Always an excellent opportunity to practise your 0 to 60 acceleration and dodging / weaving skills.

Palermo and Catania play this game on their roads with a slight difference, points are awarded for the use of exaggerated hand signals and for vocal instructions to other gamers, bonus points if the local dialect is used. With regards to Naples the Neapolitans don’t play Guida at all, it is far too easy for them, they play a game that is a derivation of Rollaball and only experts should consider participating. On a recent trip to Germany I found out that Guida is not permitted in either Switzerland or Germany, their police take a dim view of this Italian pastime, and will fine anyone caught attempting to play the game. Perhaps one day it will be allowed because the Swiss and Germans take great delight in joining the game of Guida as soon as they cross into Italy.

On Thursday I was visited a couple of clients in Germany, and I stayed at a great hotel the food was fantastic and the room was clean and orderly, although to my disappointment they had taken the precaution of emptying the mini bar before I had arrived. Over a drink with the hotelier, I can’t remember her name but she was probably called Greta we discussing the differences between Germany and Italy, her comment was “Yes Germany is well organised but Italy has nice wine and pasta, and they seem to enjoy life more in Italy, we are sometimes too serious in Germany”. So it is not just the English that think the Germans have no sense of Humour.

Greta or maybe she was called Hilda asked me if I had tried the local spa, she informed me that if I wanted to go swimming I could rent a towel and purchase some trunks at the spa. After a 6 hour drive through Europe and a days work it sounded like a really good way of relaxing and easing the knots in my back. So I set off for a relaxing swim.

At the swimming pool there was an orderly queue of people waiting to pay for the entrance to the swimming pool. As I reached the head of the queue the receptionist said “bitte” .  Erh do you speak English? I asked. Of course.

Of course!! I forgot it is only the English that only speak one language. I was once told that someone who can converse in three languages is tri lingual, someone who can speak in two languages is bi lingual and someone who can only understand one language is English. Anyway I asked how much to use the swimming pool, 8 euros and 12 if I wanted to use the sauna after. I have never used a sauna but a deal is a deal and I decided to go for the full package.

I changed into my trunks and headed towards the swimming pool. As I entered the warm pool and swam briskly to the centre I was amazed to see that the only person swimming was me, all the other swimmers were standing around the edge of the pool, watching me. There is nothing like the rabbit in the car headlight moment to bring you to your senses and evaluate what faux pas you have just committed. As I swam around in circles I noticed that there was an orderly queue waiting to enter the pool, in my excitement to go swimming I had somehow missed it, but as I stood contemplated getting out of the pool and joining the queue I heard a buzzer and to my amazement everyone standing in the pool took a step to their right and one of the Germans that had patiently queued on the steps entered the water as one women left the pool.

To say I was bemused is a bit of an understatement, I turned a full circle in fact I turned around twice just to see if I could graciously leave the pool by another exit. Unfortunately there was only one  exit and there were 32 Germans watching me, I know because I had counted them. As the buzzer once again sounded the static swimmers once again took a step to their right, one more German entered the pool and another left. It was at this point that I nearly drowned; all I could think was the Germans are so organised and disciplined that they even swim by numbers. A woman left her position by the side of the pool and swam to the exit. I decided I had better take her place until I work out if I was allowed to swim or if I also had to move around the pool as regimented as a soldier.

As I backed into the vacant space that she had created, a blast of water hit my left buttock and very nearly knocked me of my feet. As I grabbed the side of the pool I noticed a silver disc stuck to the side with the number seven printed on it. As I stabilised myself and experimented with the water jet the buzzer sounded again, I was quiet reluctant to move away from station seven but the man to my right at station eight had moved and the huge woman to my left was looking at me as though I was a sandwich short of a picnic, even a man who was patiently waiting to enter the pool looked at me as he realised it was I who was holding up his swimming. So I took a step to the right. It was at this point that the giggles hit me and another water blast from the side of the pool buffered the small of my back. I don’t normally suffer from the giggles but it was all too much for me, here I was in a swimming pool being watched by a bunch of very serious Germans waiting for the next buzzer while thinking of the song The Time Warp  from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. ♫It’s just a jump to the left  and then a step to the right .♫  Too much, much too much. The more I tried not to giggle the worse it got. I managed to get to station 10 a water jet to the back of the knees, before I gave up and left the pool. I walked back to my locker and wrapping the towel around my waist I went in search of the sauna and jacuzzi. Which I may or may not blog about.

Hello world!

Ramblings from An Englishman in Italy.

Ok plan B We will rent out our house and I will take any job in Italy.

Eunice calmly and slowly pointed out my inability to understand or construct even the most basic sentence in Italian.

“You are married to an Italian.

Your two best friends are Italian.

And so far the only words you have learnt are:-

ciao, si, non, cosi cosi (so so)

and non e’ vero (not true).”

 

“Non e’ vero” I replied.

In 2005 I married Eunice an Italian who had emigrated to the UK to try and escape the problems, confusion, poor driving and in her words corruption in Italy.  After two years of married life and against her better judgement I managed to persuade her that we could make a life in Sunny Italy. I think the constant English rain helped me to convince her that it might work.

I suggested to Eunice that if she finds a job in Italy as a teacher, she can support me while I turn our new Italian home into a bed and breakfast . This was plan A, which was well and totally scuppered by the collapse of several banks in the UK and of course the housing market.  My wife had played her part, she had found the teachers job and was sat in Italy waiting for yours truly. I on the other hand was sat in rainy Sheffield with a house we couldn’t sell.

Plan B didn’t really work either, I spent 2 years doing manual labour, gardening, builders labourer and fetch and carry for a landscape gardener. Despite my poor spelling and grammar I even considered teaching English, the traditional fall back position for any self respecting English Expat.

My first teaching assignment organised by my wife, was conversation with an Italian businessman. This was ideal because I didn’t need to spell anything. Marco and I met at the local cafe for our first lesson and my first piece of conversation was are we drinking wine or beer?  After several bottles of Peroni (we kept asking the cafe owner to clear the table in case my wife turned up) Marco suggested we start a business importing and marketing a range of liquid pumps, he must have realised I was not cut out to be a teacher.

Do I love Italy?

Yes, it is a great place but it shouldn’t be run by the Italians.

Do I hate Italy?

Yes there is a lot wrong with the country, as my wife tells me  “life is hard in Italy”

When I have to deal with anything to do with paperwork, the Italian post office or when the education department  fails to pay Eunice for 3 months I do think that I should have listened to my wife when she said “life in Italy is hard”. But all the problems of Italy disappear when I have a glass of  fine wine in my hand and I am sat in the glorious sunshine outside one of the many cafe’s in the villages hidden in the Monferrato hills.

Do I miss the UK? I don’t miss the weather, or the traffic and speed cameras, I do miss Bacon, Walkers Crisps and a decent cup of   tea and of course English humour.  At times I  miss standing in a real pub, having a couple of drinks with friends and laughing out loud. In Italy only drunkards drink beer without a plate of food in front of them, even if it is only a couple of slices of salami, olives and a chunk of cheese.

I have tried to find other English people who have escaped to La Dolce Vita, but in the large part in vain.

According to the latest data released by the Institute for Public Policy Research, there are 29 thousand British people who are registered as residents of Italy. If  this is true and you are out there, where are you??

Lord knows where they are all hiding because in the past 5 years I have bumped into a grand total of 18 of them. Starved of English humour I even took a train from the north of Italy to meet up for an Expats lunch in Florence. Two British turned up the rest were from the USA, New Zealand and one Italian man. I am not sure why Daniele was there perhaps he was from the south of Italy and considered himself an Expat in his own country.

So 5 years on, am I fluent in the language, am I living the Dolce Vita, do I have regrets?  No, Cosi cosi, si. You see I do speak the lingo.