Pecora Nera the Cereal Killer

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I have to tell you I am crying into my glass of wine, I have just received two E mails from the Prefettura in Alessandria, allegedly they are processing my application for Italian citizenship.

The first E mail I successfully translated with the help of Google, it went something like this.

Dear Pecora Nera,

Please come to our office on the second floor,  on the 9th November at 10.30. Bring originals of the documents you submitted on line.

I was so happy I nearly kissed the cat.

Susie Stupid Pussy Cat didn’t want a kiss

And then I opened the second E mail and as Google translated the document, I nearly kicked the cat.

Dear Pecora Nera,

Please apostille stamp your documents and it is necessary to provide your police certificate.

If I kicked Mishmash, she would retaliate by taking a dump in my shoe

After talking to the prefettura (I used my neighbour for this) we found out the police certificate she wanted, should be issued by Malta. Did I mention I was born in Malta and moved to the UK when I was 8 months old?

Pecora Nera the Cereal Killer


Obviously this is going to delay my application. I hope the Maltese authorities are not aware of my juvenile crime spree and will certify I was a good boy for the 8 months that I lived there.

Digging through my mother’s photo album, I found a couple more photos of my time in Malta

Me getting ready for the midwifes visit. She always had cold hands

Taken shortly after I held up the milkman

Another successful raid on the baby food factory


Today I have sent my documents issued by the UK government back to them with a request that they validate them with a rubber stamp.

I have also E mailed Malta to ask if they provide criminal certificates for 8 month old babies.

Citizenship part 1
Citizenship part 2
I am sure there will be a part 3 & 4

13 thoughts on “Pecora Nera the Cereal Killer”

  1. Did you even think for one second that this process would be easy? I hope at least Malta can reply quickly and efficiently so that you can continue to enjoy the wonderful Italian red-tape. If I pay you in wine, could you also apply for mine whilst you’re at it? NB. If you kick Susie Stupid Pussy Cat or Mishmash, I will personally come and take a dump in your shoe next to Mishmash’s.

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    • Hi Emma, I didn’t think it would be easy after all this is Italy. My UK criminal check covers me for the past 10 years which incidentally I have been living in Italy and the Malta check, will cover me for the first 8 months of my life…..

      Ps, I will send you a breakdown of my charges, I accept both wine and grappa.

      Mishmash is not a cat to tangle with, she chases and terrorises the local dogs

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    • It’s all a bit mad really, my police check needs to be sent to a solicitor to be certified, returned to me and then sent to the Foreign Office to be stamped.

      My birth certificate would be a nightmare to try and forge, I bet I could create my own apostille stamp easy enough

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  3. You really are a mess but in a good way. 🙂 If you don’t know how to do anything else, you have mastered the art of photo shopping or is it photo chopping or chipping, or altering? Oh well I have no idea. Maybe it’s photo-messing.

    Gee the Italians take their time. I wonder if they ever get in a hurry? It seems that you have been trying for a very long time to get your “Italian papers.”

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