I have been away from bloggoland for almost a month and I have to say I miss you guys. I enjoy writing about the crazy stuff that happens to me in Italy, but more importantly I love the comments and interaction between other bloggers. So, normal service has now resumed or as normal as it is ever likely to get.
Over the past month, we have had an assortment of Mrs Sensible’s family arrive and depart, I have eaten too much fine Italian food and gained nearly all the weight that I had earlier lost. I have also played countless games of Scoponi, see here for instructions. My Zia gave me a new nickname ‘Furbo’, I think it means ‘he who wins every game of Scoponi.’
Last week I flew to the UK to watch my daughter’s passing out parade, we celebrated with copious quantities of beer as only an Englishman can. The following day I was Godparent to one of my nieces and once again we celebrated with gallons of beer at the local rugby club.
Feeling slightly hung-over and very tired I arrived at East Midlands airport at 5.30 am Sunday morning. Still wearing the clothes I had partied in four hours earlier. I consider myself a seasoned traveller; I know not to wear boots with large metal eyelets. I understand that if you don’t remove your watch and belt before passing through security, the guards become upset and will give you a quick pat down to make sure you aren’t trying to smuggle a pen knife through security. Some people do you know, even innocent mother in laws.. see here.
I passed through the metal detector without a problem, as I started to rethread my belt and scoop up my loose change I noticed that there seemed to be a bit of excitement over someone’s hand luggage. Three security men were pointing at the monitor. It was at this point that my hand baggage emerged from the x ray machine. As I waited for it to trundle down to me, (I was still struggling to loop my belt through my pants,) a female security guard picked it up, turned it on its side and pushed it back into the machine.
Stranger and stranger I thought, as my case disappeared into the machine, the guards again started pointing at the monitor. This time I took a long stare at the monitor, they were pointing at a dark grey square that looked like a big block of plasticine. Ah ha I thought, my two kilos of hermetically sealed bacon does kind of resemble a slab of semtex, or maybe even, the better quality C4 much used by the professionals.
As my case exited the machine for the second time, the female security guard asked in a very loud and authoritarian voice. “Whose case is this?” I sheepishly held up my hand and frantically started to worry, if it was illegal to transport parts of dead pigs across European borders. “Did you pack it yourself… sir?” she asked.
Breathing a fair quantity of the previous evening’s alcohol in her general direction, I said I had packed it. “Can I look inside” she asked. Now, I have always, always wanted to say “No bog off”, but ever so politely I said of course. As she started to rummage through my clothes, I tried to breathe the alcohol fumes out the side of my mouth, “it’s full of dirty clothes” I said, as a pair of boxers rose to the top of the case. Ah ha, mmm hum, she muttered. She moved my camera case, that contained my Semtex Plastacine C4 hermetically sealed middle back bacon and grabbed a box of Yorkshire T bags. “Erm” I said raising a finger in the air. “Two minutes” she said as she waltzed of down the conveyor with my precious cargo of T bags.
When she returned, she gave me back my T Bags and said “they looked strange on the monitor, but you can pack your bag and go” I nearly, ever so nearly said you made a mistake, what you saw on the monitor that looked like a block of Semtex was my bacon. It was only because I was trying to breathe out of the left hand side of my mouth, thereby not intoxicating her with alcohol fumes that I literally… kept my mouth shut.
So the moral of this story is, if you want to smuggle Semtex bacon in your hand luggage, hide it in your camera case and drink enough alcohol the night before, so you remember not to open your mouth and incriminate yourself.
Welcome back! And congratulations to your daughter. She looks really lovely in her her uniform. We’ve missed your stories =)
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Many thanks, I enjoy the community and have missed the lot of you. 🙂
She was very smart, I understand that she missed the marksman’s award by one point.. So she nearly got three awards instead of two..
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Glad you are back. You will have to catch up a lot of reading while chewing on your Semtex… Ehhh bacon if Mrs sensible didnt put you on a diet ;-). Congratulations to your daughter.
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Many thanks.
Diet, mmm I need to start it again…. Mrs Sensible took me for a walk yesterday. Well I say a walk, in reality I should have took a rucksack with provisions and a compass and a map AND signed my will in case we got lost of died of heat exhaustion.
Are we going home yet?
No.
Where are we going?
Garriano
Where is that?
You will see
Uffa!
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Hahahaha. Poor you. But you survived. Nothing is impossible.
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Are we nearly home yet???
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aahahahahahah LOL glad you’re back so we can have a good laugh…. semtex and all …. I see you haven’t forgotten your Red Cross supplies… that Yorkshire tea is not any good, is it? I’m a PG tips lady (and earl grey when I feel having a posh high-tea here in fashionable Kensington & Chelsea)… 😉
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The past month has been difficult and I didn’t want to put up any whiny posts, but problems solved and so I am back again.
P G Tips.. nah, you should try Yorkshire Tea. Its the best. We can get Earl Grey here, but I think it is different from the stuff in the UK, it just tastes bland.
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Missed you. Congratulations to your daughter, she looks very proud as she should be. I am so glad I avoid traveling by plane listening to your experiences. So a box of tea could be a threat? At least you were able to get both the tea and bacon safely home. I recently decided to travel, short trip, by bus. It was so funny because not a thing was checked. Not our persons, our luggage or our carry-ons. What a crazy world we live in.
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I am sure that will change, scanners and metal detectors at all bus stops.
If I had been carrying semtex, the woman that checked my bag would have missed it and let it through, which is very scary. I suppose if I had been wearing sandals and had a big bushy beard they might have looked more carefully. But as I was in a business suit and smelling of alcohol they didn’t perceive me as the typical bomber. Again scary.
Maybe I should pen a note to G4S the security company or East Midlands Airport.
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Good to hear your voice again, but don’t breathe on me too closely )
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Oh, the smell of alcohol has dissipated, (dissipated, one of my new posh words) I am back on the wine 😉
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Welcome back! Traveling is even more fun these days!
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I love travelling, I prefer Alitalia to Ryanair, but heyho they all get me to the UK. The difference is Alitalia cost me 170 Eurines to reach the UK and Ryanair cost 20 eurines to fly home. Less than the cost of a round of beer.
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Welcome back, and congratulations to your daughter. 🙂
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Oh thank you, It is amazing the change in her. Just 14 weeks in the Army and she is a different person.
While we were partying, her older sister wore Sarah’s army boots to the disco (under her long summer dress , Mad) During the night I noticed she had removed the boots and was dancing bare foot. Now, normally there would follow a cat fight between the two sisters; The older sister took one look at Sarah stern face and said ok ok , I will find them, and scampered off into the dance hall.
When she had gone Sarah gave me a little smile… Priceless
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Hmmm I nearly always get stopped carrying teabags, too. I think it’s because they are foil wrapped.
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Foil wrapped tea bags!!! Posh very posh. Yorkshire Tea bags are just in a box with a bit of cellophane covering them.. but they make a nice strong cup of tea. If I use Italian T Bags, it takes 3 bags to make a wishy washy cup of brown water.
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Hilarious! I’ve missed your posts.
I can’t believe you win EVERY game. Mrs. Sensible must be steaming!!
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Hi Donna, She is happy when I win if she is partnering me, But not too happy if she is on the losing team ie, Zia.
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They pick out the strangest things to do at customs. My 84 year old father complete with walking stick always gets thoroughly searched while the rest of us waltz through. He now refuses to fly. Though that may just be an excuse not to visit! Lovely pic of your daughter.
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Ahh but the walking sticks could contain the parts of a rifle, just as my T bags might self destruct.
I always feel guilty as I go through customs, or through the ‘ nothing to declare gate’
I suppose it is because I normally have several kilo’s of bacon stashed somewhere.
I need to check on the legality of travelling with meat.
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I did have some Marks and Spencer tomatoes taken off me at customs once. Though it was in the US where they suspect everything. So goodness knows what would happen if they found you with meat.
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They would have locked me up and thrown away the key.
I guess I fitted the perfect bomber profile… smelling of alcohol with 2 kilos of pork in his luggage
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Glad you made it back safely to your lovely adopted country, and congratulations to your daughter, maybe she can help you get some of the weight back off again, on getting the award for the best fitness in her troop??
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So good to have you back! Congratulations to your daughter; you must be (obviously are) so proud. I’m glad you made through the security checkpoint, but I’m starting to wonder if some of this happens you like to have security checkpoint stories 😉
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I meant to write, “if some of this happens BECAUSE you like to TELL security checkpoint stories.” Geez, I wish I could type …
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I knew what you meant… 🙂
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I think it happens to me, because I travel by air a lot, also because I am the black sheep, plus my mother in law likes to travel with a pen knife in her handbag 🙂
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Yes, I remember that story 🙂
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So glad your back! I have missed you and your posts. You make me laugh so much! =) Congrads to your daughter!
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Thanks Mandy, A couple of bloggers sent me messages or e mails to find out why I had stopped posting, very kind of them and also very sweet.
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He’s baaaacccck ! And he’s got bacon and T bagsssssss!!!! Glad to see you’re back. Thanks for the chuckle – you may remember my story about being accused of trying to blow up a Ryanair plane with a tin of Golden Syrup. The T-bag Terrorists are the worst ones, that’s what I say 🙂
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Thanks MM, I remember the Golden Syrup bomb.
I was down to my last rasher of bacon and we had resorted to 3 bags of Italian tea in a cup, so I was due a trip to Good o’l Blighty.
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PS Your daughter looks so happy! Hope you’ll be able to deal with all this grown-up business 🙂
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I have never seen her so happy, she was not one for crying or laughing out loud. Every photo she has sent me, she is grinning, apart from the photo taken of her in her camouflage kit holding her gun… she looks scary
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Hello again! We used Semtex at infant’s school – couldn’t afford plasticine
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Trust you. 🙂
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Welcome back! I was wondering what had happened to you (though I obviously wasn’t as concerned as the people who sent you messages 😉 …), and well done on smuggling the bacon in!!
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I did notice you didn’t send me a ‘where are you card’ 🙂
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Funny story. That happens to me all the time am travelling through Heathrow! When the immigration officers ask “Anything to declare? Any meat, fish, Madam?” in that scary voice. I just have to make sure that next time, I drink enough alcohol to shut me up 🙂
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lol
It is as good an excuse as any for a drink 🙂
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Welcome back! I recently went on a holiday and gained half of the weight i lost. Oh well.
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thanks for the welcome back. Ahhh! But I gained the weight and didn’t even get to go on holiday 😦
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Once a black sheep, always a black sheep, the reputation sticks like semtex… ah plasticine.
Nice to see you back.
AV
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You have it in one.
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Hurrah! Two posts! You’re really back 🙂
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Thanks, and also thanks for prodding me to write.
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Prodding Pecora. My new hobby 😉
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Great to see you back PN 🙂 I’ve been a bit sporadic myself so have lots of catching up to do too! Congratulations to your daughter, she looks great in her uniform and fantastic that she won a medal for best fitness in her troop… wow! Scoponi looks a lot of fun! Totally understand you risking all to smuggle some bacon back to Italia… gotta have those bacon sarnies/butties! 😀
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Hi,
She did look smart. We are very proud of her.
Gosh how I miss bacon butties and fish & chips
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Heh heh we have bacon butties every weekend, it wouldn’t be the weekend without one! Just back from an week in Devon and we always have to have pasties when we’re down there too… it’s tradition! 🙂
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Your daughter is gorgeous!!!!
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Thank you 🙂 We are very proud of her. She loves the Army it is the perfect job for her, because she is so determined to do her best.
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I would have invited you and Mrs Sensible to fly over to Vienna, but between you, pen knives and smuggling of bacon I think you would cause the x-ray at your airport to just shut down :0]
PS/.. I am just catching up on your old posts
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Mrs Sensible said when she packs she leaves the bacon and pen knives at home. She also said if it is helpful she will leave me at home.
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