Hospital Bingo

Mrs Sensible sent me on an errand this morning. On the way to work I had to drop off a sample of her wee at the local hospital.

Mrs Sensible gave me concise instructions, she explained which room I had to go to, and that I might have to sign or complete a form or two, a lazy smile grew on my face. Italian form filling is not one of my fortes. When Mrs Sensible saw my grin, she gave me a stern look, Pecora it is important…

So armed with the plastic container and the necessary paperwork I set of for work hospital. When I reached the hospital it took ten minutes of circling the car park before I found somewhere to abandon my little mini. As I walked to the hospital carrying THE SAMPLE two thoughts jumped into my mind, First, how on earth did Mrs Sensible produce so much wee in 24 hours and second how did she manage to pee into the container, I know there was no funnel in the bathroom yesterday. She must be a better shot than I thought.

When I entered the waiting room, I was greeted by this wonderful little ticket dispenser.

The wonderful ticket machine

The wonderful ticket machine

Press a button and it throws out a ticket, but which button should I press? I immediately dismissed button A. I spotted the word urgent, and although for me it was most urgent to get out of here and back into my Mini, I guess THE SAMPLE did not fall under the urgent category.

Closing my eyes, I played eeny meeny miny moe and randomly punching a button. The machine spat out ticket D, good choice I thought. I like the colour blue and I had spotted the word Biologici so I thought I was in with a good chance.

Settling down into a chair in the waiting room, I sat and watched the electronic display board. Lots of A, B E and F’s were called, but very few D’s. Eventually D08 blinked up on the score board, brilliant a wait of only fifteen minutes. Grabbing the container of wee I walked over to the cubicle with number DO8 flashing above it. I proudly laid THE SAMPLE and ticket DO8 on the counter and got ready to try and explain in Italian that this was not my wee but belonged to Mrs Sensible.

A little sample

Mrs Sensibles wee container looked a little like this. Ok  not quiet like this but it was big.

The nurse took one look at the container and my paperwork and shook her head. She took ticket number DO8 dropped it in her bin and said “è il biglietto sbagliato” What, what?? Wrong ticket! How can this be?

Feeling very dejected, miffed and unhappy I wandered back to the waiting room and the stupid ticket machine. I now had to choose another ticket, obviously not A or D. I thought about playing eenny meeny miny moe again or choosing my next favourite colour but there didn’t seem to be a red option. Punching every button I collected eight tickets, much to the bemusement of the little old lady who had been watching me puzzle over the machine and heard me muttering in English to myself.

As I sat down to play hospital bingo, ticket number D09 was called, uffa!! I screwed it up and shoved it into my pocket. F27 was next but I had F 35. Then wonders of wonders E24  as I checked my handful of tickets, I realised I was the holder of the golden ticket. Picking up Mrs Sensibles sample I walked over to yet another booth and silently praying, I handed over both the precious golden ticket and the sample.

Hospital Bingo

Hospital Bingo

The nurse and I commenced the form filling. There seemed to be a little problem with the sample, the nurse, I think was trying to tell me that the container was too big and Mrs Sensible should have used one like this.

Pee bottle

Mini wee bottle

I tried to explain that Mrs Sensible could fill twenty of those in one go and the doctor wanted a 24 hour collection, should Mrs Sensible have used 200 of those?

Huffing and puffing in Italian, the nurse stamped my paperwork and reluctantly took the gallon and a half of high-octane wee.

Later that evening Mrs Sensible asked me how it went, easy peasy lemon squeezy I said, but next time can you take your own pee to the hospital.

54 thoughts on “Hospital Bingo

  1. love it, LOL!!!! that colourful paper with all the options in picture 1 looks to me like one of those voting sheet which we had to use recently for the elections in Italy!!!
    actually maybe it WAS one of those, disguised as a machine? by selecting D you were actually voting for Beppe Grillo !!!! 😉


    • Yes this is true and I got the same outcome… nothing changed.

      have you any idea what the added bit of paper stuck to the bottom of the machine means?

      And I need to know the Italian for ‘which button should I press’


      • don’t worry, that’s to do with the football results.
        Serie A, I think it’s Juve, AC Milan, Inter etc

        I think Serie H is the local kindergarden under 2’s football team.

        nothing to do with pee….


        • Everything is now as clear as mud.

          Mrs Sensible can take her own pee next time.
          Why oh why are Italians obsessed with health??? I have just got over man flu, Mrs Sensible has been in charge of my medicine and diet. there was a noticeable absence of alcohol..


    • I sat there with 8 tickets in my hand watching for one of the numbers to be called.

      The little old Italian lady who was sat next to me was almost as excited as I was. All for a bottle of wee.

      ***** Also you can not use the word seriously on this blog *****


  2. I don’t know Italian, but I’m guessing that the typed sheet under the bingo button pressing machine is telling you that between the hours of 0715 and 1200 you can press buttons A – E. Between 0715 and 1300 and between 1345 and 1600 you can press buttons F and G. Between 1030 and 1300 and 1345 and 1600 you can press button H. Clever you pressing them all! 😀 😀


  3. Awwwww! The definition of true love in the dictionary should now be “readiness to drop off a can of wee for your wife in Italy”. PF would have done a French stomp, thrown his toys out of his pram, demanded to see the manager, then brought the pee home. That ticket machine looks like something Fisher Price do for the sides of cots.


  4. I admire your taking the wee to the hospital, and I also admire your being able to write about it! I’m assuming Mrs. Sensible doesn’t know that you wrote this?


    • Mrs Sensible didn’t know I was writing it, until I pressed publish and then it was toooo late.

      She then read it and sat muttering. I thought she was unhappy with the post, but she was only unhappy with my grammar.

      How bad is it, when my Italian wife has a better command of the English language than I have. I refused all changes, I am a stubborn Englishman.


      • I know of someone who teaches English as a second language and his standard of English is worse than yours! Your standard of English appears quite high, compared to the avridge hear in Ingurland. Be honest, are you cheating by using the spell checker?


        • I thought the spell checker had underlined the words in red, because I had used some pretty impressive words. My English laptop died a couple of years back and I was forced to upgrade to an Italian laptop. All the control menus are in Italian, (great fun.. not) and sometimes it is unable to find the UK dictionary and will try to spell check everything in Italian or worse still, it will just decide the document is OK and there are no spelling mistakes.


    • Hi thanks for the comment.

      Mrs Sensible has another exam, we don’t know when, but we are guessing end of May. The government is organising it and this is Italy so who knows?


    • You have to do what you have to do. I should have took one of every ticket in the first place.

      It is now my first approach. they have these stupid machines in the post offices.

      One to post a letter, another for a parcel. You might end up at the same woman but you must have the correct ticket, or back you go.


    • it gets better. I am now trying to convert my UK driving licence to an Italian one in less than 2 months. I think Cyprus will have more chance of sorting their bank crisis out before I am anywhere near getting a new Italian licence.

      I also love Italy, for all its faults


  5. Pingback: Mrs Sensible has Man Flu | Englishman in Italy

  6. Pingback: Chi è l’ultimo? Who is Last? | Englishman in Italy

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