Mrs Sensible sent me on an errand this morning. On the way to work I had to drop off a sample of her wee at the local hospital.
Mrs Sensible gave me concise instructions, she explained which room I had to go to, and that I might have to sign or complete a form or two, a lazy smile grew on my face. Italian form filling is not one of my fortes. When Mrs Sensible saw my grin, she gave me a stern look, Pecora it is important…
So armed with the plastic container and the necessary paperwork I set of for work hospital. When I reached the hospital it took ten minutes of circling the car park before I found somewhere to abandon my little mini. As I walked to the hospital carrying THE SAMPLE two thoughts jumped into my mind, First, how on earth did Mrs Sensible produce so much wee in 24 hours and second how did she manage to pee into the container, I know there was no funnel in the bathroom yesterday. She must be a better shot than I thought.
When I entered the waiting room, I was greeted by this wonderful little ticket dispenser.
Press a button and it throws out a ticket, but which button should I press? I immediately dismissed button A. I spotted the word urgent, and although for me it was most urgent to get out of here and back into my Mini, I guess THE SAMPLE did not fall under the urgent category.
Closing my eyes, I played eeny meeny miny moe and randomly punching a button. The machine spat out ticket D, good choice I thought. I like the colour blue and I had spotted the word Biologici so I thought I was in with a good chance.
Settling down into a chair in the waiting room, I sat and watched the electronic display board. Lots of A, B E and F’s were called, but very few D’s. Eventually D08 blinked up on the score board, brilliant a wait of only fifteen minutes. Grabbing the container of wee I walked over to the cubicle with number DO8 flashing above it. I proudly laid THE SAMPLE and ticket DO8 on the counter and got ready to try and explain in Italian that this was not my wee but belonged to Mrs Sensible.
The nurse took one look at the container and my paperwork and shook her head. She took ticket number DO8 dropped it in her bin and said “è il biglietto sbagliato” What, what?? Wrong ticket! How can this be?
Feeling very dejected, miffed and unhappy I wandered back to the waiting room and the stupid ticket machine. I now had to choose another ticket, obviously not A or D. I thought about playing eenny meeny miny moe again or choosing my next favourite colour but there didn’t seem to be a red option. Punching every button I collected eight tickets, much to the bemusement of the little old lady who had been watching me puzzle over the machine and heard me muttering in English to myself.
As I sat down to play hospital bingo, ticket number D09 was called, uffa!! I screwed it up and shoved it into my pocket. F27 was next but I had F 35. Then wonders of wonders E24 as I checked my handful of tickets, I realised I was the holder of the golden ticket. Picking up Mrs Sensibles sample I walked over to yet another booth and silently praying, I handed over both the precious golden ticket and the sample.
The nurse and I commenced the form filling. There seemed to be a little problem with the sample, the nurse, I think was trying to tell me that the container was too big and Mrs Sensible should have used one like this.
I tried to explain that Mrs Sensible could fill twenty of those in one go and the doctor wanted a 24 hour collection, should Mrs Sensible have used 200 of those?
Huffing and puffing in Italian, the nurse stamped my paperwork and reluctantly took the gallon and a half of high-octane wee.
Later that evening Mrs Sensible asked me how it went, easy peasy lemon squeezy I said, but next time can you take your own pee to the hospital.
I can’t imagine Mr. Jazz taking my pee to the hospital. You rock.
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As long as it is only pee I can manage it.
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love it, LOL!!!! that colourful paper with all the options in picture 1 looks to me like one of those voting sheet which we had to use recently for the elections in Italy!!!
actually maybe it WAS one of those, disguised as a machine? by selecting D you were actually voting for Beppe Grillo !!!! 😉
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Yes this is true and I got the same outcome… nothing changed.
have you any idea what the added bit of paper stuck to the bottom of the machine means?
And I need to know the Italian for ‘which button should I press’
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don’t worry, that’s to do with the football results.
Serie A, I think it’s Juve, AC Milan, Inter etc
I think Serie H is the local kindergarden under 2’s football team.
nothing to do with pee….
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Everything is now as clear as mud.
Mrs Sensible can take her own pee next time.
Why oh why are Italians obsessed with health??? I have just got over man flu, Mrs Sensible has been in charge of my medicine and diet. there was a noticeable absence of alcohol..
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no hot milk with a (large) shot of brandy at night?… Mrs Sensible is a tough cookie, me think …. 😉
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She had used all my brandy in some cooking experiment, flambe bunny or something.
I did suggest grappa in hot milk but she wouldn’t play ball.
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You are a good man! 🙂
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mmm not sure about that, I am defiantly a black sheep.
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Hey! Me too. It works out. 🙂
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us black sheeps should flock together. I bet you didn’t know sheeps was the plural of sheep.
Mrs Sensible was surprised as well. All went well until she used it in class one day..
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It is a sound idea. Only the sheeps know.
Oops!
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I also convinced Mrs Sensible that fraggle meant fragile. that also went down like a stone balloon in her Italian / English lesson.
She now checks any new words I use in her English Collins Dictionary.
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That is probably a good idea! Black sheeps are notorious jokers.
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Ok, seriously with the multiple choice quiz aka machine! I love, love, love that you just took one of each ticket! LOL.
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I sat there with 8 tickets in my hand watching for one of the numbers to be called.
The little old Italian lady who was sat next to me was almost as excited as I was. All for a bottle of wee.
***** Also you can not use the word seriously on this blog *****
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I don’t know Italian, but I’m guessing that the typed sheet under the bingo button pressing machine is telling you that between the hours of 0715 and 1200 you can press buttons A – E. Between 0715 and 1300 and between 1345 and 1600 you can press buttons F and G. Between 1030 and 1300 and 1345 and 1600 you can press button H. Clever you pressing them all! 😀 😀
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🙂 🙂
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Awwwww! The definition of true love in the dictionary should now be “readiness to drop off a can of wee for your wife in Italy”. PF would have done a French stomp, thrown his toys out of his pram, demanded to see the manager, then brought the pee home. That ticket machine looks like something Fisher Price do for the sides of cots.
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It would be very risky to do a French stomp in front of Mrs Sensible, because she immediately swaps from loving wife to teacher mode.
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😀 That would spark off a French smirk and “you’re so charming when you get angry” mode, which would no doubt spark off a “go boil your head you arrogant Frog” Italian moment. Do we start selling tickets now?
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It would be great to get everyone around the dinner table, Italian teacher mode, Arrogant Frog Mode, British Stiff upper lip mode. 🙂
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It would! In Croatia! But I’m sure that if there was food involved, certain aspects of each participant (teacher and arrogant frog modes) may disappear.
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Croatia sounds good. We need a holiday
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You’re so funny! 🙂 You’re also a great husband. I’m sure she would have done the same for you.
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Yes she would… but she wouldn’t have had half as much trouble:)
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You made me laugh to tears … thank you so much!
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I am glad. Italian hospitals tend to make me cry as well.
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I admire your taking the wee to the hospital, and I also admire your being able to write about it! I’m assuming Mrs. Sensible doesn’t know that you wrote this?
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Mrs Sensible didn’t know I was writing it, until I pressed publish and then it was toooo late.
She then read it and sat muttering. I thought she was unhappy with the post, but she was only unhappy with my grammar.
How bad is it, when my Italian wife has a better command of the English language than I have. I refused all changes, I am a stubborn Englishman.
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I know of someone who teaches English as a second language and his standard of English is worse than yours! Your standard of English appears quite high, compared to the avridge hear in Ingurland. Be honest, are you cheating by using the spell checker?
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I thought the spell checker had underlined the words in red, because I had used some pretty impressive words. My English laptop died a couple of years back and I was forced to upgrade to an Italian laptop. All the control menus are in Italian, (great fun.. not) and sometimes it is unable to find the UK dictionary and will try to spell check everything in Italian or worse still, it will just decide the document is OK and there are no spelling mistakes.
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I love it – utterly utterly brilliant apporach to life – any news on her job?
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Hi thanks for the comment.
Mrs Sensible has another exam, we don’t know when, but we are guessing end of May. The government is organising it and this is Italy so who knows?
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‘Hilarious’! I Love the ‘get every ticket’ approach to your dilemma.
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You have to do what you have to do. I should have took one of every ticket in the first place.
It is now my first approach. they have these stupid machines in the post offices.
One to post a letter, another for a parcel. You might end up at the same woman but you must have the correct ticket, or back you go.
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I love that you put ‘pee hospital sample’ in your tags! Do you think people search for those terms? 🙂
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You would be surprised!!!!!
I wrote a post on visiting a Sauna in Germany and when I check the search terms on my stats, there is always someone searching for naked Italian sauna.
🙂
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Ha yeah, the amount of people who search for ‘Latvian women’ always surprises me as well! I’m sure they were pretty disappointed when they were directed to my blog 😉
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lol,
I have visited Slovakia, Poland and Slovenia. There are plenty of pretty women. But there are also lots of old biddies wrapped in blankets trying to sell potatoes and cabbages by the side of the raod
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Yeah, they don’t age well bless them!
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They’re great for shovelling snow though 😉
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PS a wife who’s a good shot sounds like a dangerous thing to have…
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Especially if she is Sicilian
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I didn’t like to say that but am glad you did 🙂
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This is a great example of how much of a production some things are in Italy, but I love it there anyway!
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it gets better. I am now trying to convert my UK driving licence to an Italian one in less than 2 months. I think Cyprus will have more chance of sorting their bank crisis out before I am anywhere near getting a new Italian licence.
I also love Italy, for all its faults
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HAHA! I love it that you collected all the tickets. Hospitals in Italy are the most confusing and annoying places I’ve ever seen. Not to mention the people working …. seriously need a day off! 🙂
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You need to be really ill to to an Italian hospital…
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ahahahah! cousin, you make me die! 😀
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Hello my crazy cousin, welcome to casa pecora nera
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